Mummers Play for David Johnston and Dana Sussman CambridgeTradition Another Deservedly Lost Folk Tradition Found August 25, 1996 Cast Marilyn Dana David Assorted folkdancers (5) The Folk Dance Police(3) A Doctor The Mad Social Scientist EnterMarilyn Marilyn Make room! Make room! Clear space! Make room, I say! For we've picked one custom that looks like it's here to stay. It seems there's a wedding here, and no-one gets away With getting married hereabouts without a mummers play... To introduce, I'm Marilyn, and it's my job to clear folk dancers out-- so from the checker gather all your gear and get to juicing! Don't delay, for folk dancing is done. So get some ice cream, go upstairs, and talk, and have more fun... EnterDavidandDana. They address the audience conspiratorially: David & Dana There's one more thing to set the stage and make quite clear the plot You need to know a small detail that Marilyn does not. For her birthday at juicing there will be a small surprise I'm sure she won't suspect; no way could she have gotten wise. ExitDavidandDana. Enter FolkDancers. Folk Dancers Here we are at juicing, for we cannot go home Because why would we want to hang out alone? Maybe some ice cream or juice we'll fetch and we'll schmooze and snooze and gossip and kvetch Re-Enter DavidandDana David and Dana In come we to advance the plot (David) I'm David (Dana) I'm Dana (both) and a cake we've got We await your critiques, your praise, and invective Happy birthday to Marilyn, from the Cambridge Cake Collective All sing Happy Birthday real damn fast, in about 10 seconds. Marilyn Does it have any nuts? You know I'm allergic to them. Dana What about the nuts you put up with every Sunday night? Marilyn sneezes. David It doesn't have nuts-- we don't want you to die It's a new receipe that we wanted to try. It's got lots of chocolate, it should be sublime Plastic forks, paper plates are all washed from last time. They begin to distribute pieces of "cake". Dana And remember, when you finish, Nothing goes in the trash bins. We recycle everything-- Plates, forks and napkins! Dancers begin consuming cake and dropping dead. Each utters a final line bbefore expiring, thus: #1 It's super (dies) #2 Delicious! (dies) #3 It's one of your best! (dies) #4 Outdone yourself this time! (dies) #5 To die for no less! (thud) Dana Have we outdone ourselves? Or is that "overdone"? David Looks like our friends just bit the big one. How could this have happened? Dana Well dear, don't forget This recipe was called "Death by Chocolate". Enter Folk Dance Police... single file, close together. The first cop stops short, and the other one or two crash into him/them. Marilyn Campus security! Did we disturb the peace? Dana Worse yet, I'm afraid it's the folk dance police! Folk Dance Police (together) In come we, and what's all this then? Do we have to review correct styling again? These dancers aren't in a traditional formation! You're under arrest for a moving violation. Marilyn But they're not moving at all! Daivd I think they're already pretty arrested. Dana In fact... they're dead. FDP#1 Dead?! We must get to the bottom of this! FDP#2 (speaks almost on top of #1, as he and #3 examine the bodies visually) Did they die to the left or the right? Marilyn, David, and Dana,in unison Huh? FDP#1 It's very important! You see... (sings, to the tune of When a Felon's Not Engaged in His Employment, from Pirates of Penzance) Macedoniains and Greeks dance counter-clockwise (FDP #2 and #3: counter-clockwise) But Croatians and the Frence lead to the left (to the left) By the line of their direction we'll determine (we'll determine) Which tradition to observe for the bereft (the bereft) If their toes are pointed in,then it's Bulgarian (it's Bulgarian) So a burial that's Turkish wouldn't do (wouldn't do) If they don't look at the partner that's Hungarian (that's Hungarian) So they musn't wear a Polish dancing shoe. Ah.... (Alltogether) When identifying customs to be done, to be done. The Folk Dance Police can tell you the right one, the right one. Marilyn But we don't want the burial customs from the proper nation We want to bring them back! Can we attempt resuscitation? David We should be able to give them a start Let's see what we find if we take them apart. Marilyn Hold on! Can you put them all back when you're done! David Don't know 'til I try. Well, this should be fun! Marilyn We all think your tinkering habit is charming But in this circumstance. THEY may find it disarming. One dead folkdancer pipes up Dislegging, even. David starts disassembling folk dancers enthusiastically. Dana (watching) Are you sure you can put them together again?? Didn't that part go there? And... weren't there ten? We must be meticulous, we must be precise, An experimental approach simply will not suffice! In theory the method will be crystal clear; We'll solve an equation-- I'll put it right here (whips out a pad of paper or whiteboard) If c denotes cake and g is the glaze It's clear the proportions were just out of phase! If time we reverse, and we uncook the batter, And change g to gprime-- that solves the matter. (pause) Marilyn They don't seem to be reviving. (picks up a limp arm of a corpse, wiggles it, and drops it with a thud.) FDP#1 We need expert assistance. FDP#2 Have we determined the cause of death? FDP#3 (loudly) Is there a forensic specialist in the house? (silence) David No, but there's a doctor (drags David Jonhston over by one wrist or ear...) Come over here... put these scrubs on... and this sign... (hand him cue card) Doctor In come I, a doctor of sorts scrubbed up as you can see. To be a useful sort of guy-- another Ph.D.! (examines the dead folkdancers) Yup, they're dead. Enter Mad Social Scientist M.S.S And a PhD can be more useful than you thought! I'm the Mad Social Scientist, and look what I've brought! I examined your cake for my thesis, you see with the method of Qualitative Spectroscopy. This cake was not made with chocolate-- it's funny-- But with whole wheat and carob, and sweetened with honey, So since it's not deadly, but health food instead-- It's not Death by Chocolate-- therefore they're not dead! (folk dancers all get up in a sprightly manner) David and Dana Oh... that's right. We forgot.. we modified the recipe. Marilyn (to M.S.S) Was that a difficult conclusion to make? M.S.S. Oh, not at all, really.. it was a piece of cake! FDP#1 We release you all, on your own recognizance. FDP#2 Go forth, be merry FDP#3 (admonishing) and with good styling.. All FDP DANCE!