Here we go! Additions last night c/o of Jonathan, Jeff, Elizabeth and yours truly have produced the following masterwork. We've simplified the plot somewhat...The pirate gang and the papparazzi are no longer with us, and the pirate king's part has been expanded. (ERS is adding a few final touches...You'll note that the dialog towards the end is a bit pedestrian. I'll take the blame for that! :^) :Andy ------- Mummer's Play in Honor of the Wedding of Katya Reimann and Tim Gardner Greater Somerville Tradition Dramatis Personae Fool Katya Tim Pirate King Associate Pirates Gaultry Blas, hedgewitch at large Mervion Blas, her more socially graceful twin Bill Blass, good glamour magician Pierrecar Dan, evil glamour magician Enter FOOL, with broom, clearing the space. FOOL Make room, make room! Please give us room to ride; We come to show activity Upon this wedding tide. Enter KATYA and TIM. FOOL: In comes Katya, In comes Tim; He loves her, and she loves him. They take hands and gaze rapturously at each other, trailing off into lovesick moosh.... FOOL She's independent, strong, and feminist, But now she's smitten with a cheminist.. KATYA In the interests of newly married bliss, They'll (indicates audience) wait five minutes, while we kiss. Long clinch; TIM dips KATYA. FOOL clears throat loudly, then starts humming theme from Jeopardy. Finally taps TIM on the shoulder. They break the clinch, dust selves off. TIM To extend our wedding celebration I've saved up four months' vacation And to begin our married life hearty and hale, We'll see the world, by boat of sail. Alas, we're not near the coast at all Here in landlocked St. Paul. KATYA To go where we've not gone before, We'll row down interstate 94. TIM Sweetie, your plan may be a fiction The road has a high coefficient of friction. KATYA tosses TIM into "boat" and starts off. He looks startled... KATYA To speed us on this trip of ours I'll use our lovely wedding oars. TIM Yes, your rowing, strong and fleet, Propels us down the dry concrete. KATYA At last we're in Long Island Sound There's water, water all around. On such a fine and lovely day, Bermuda can't be far away. TIM Our sails [sheets?] are suddenly a-tangle We've drifted into the Bermuda Triangle KATYA You're a sight to lay sore eyes on... But Look! What's that on the horizon? FOOL Now the plot is turning sordid Their sailboat's about to be boarded! Enter PIRATE KING and PIRATES, menacingly. They leer and threaten. Avast! We're the pirates, prepare for your graves! We'll chop you to pieces, then make you our slaves TIM Oh no, it is the Pirate King I hope he doesn't start to sing! PIRATE KING (singing) Oh better far to sing, I say, Than speak the lines in a silly play! For I play such a glorious part With a fair bride's head and a husband's heart. Into my power you now have come You'll pay an arm, a leg, a thumb To save yourselves from the song I sing. I've no name but -- the Pirate King: For I am the Pirate King__________________! And you can't call me anything except the Pirate King. For I am the Pirate King! (ALL: He is! Oh who is the Pirate King?) Just read the script, it says right there I am the Pirate King. (ALL: It does, but who is the Pirate King, oh who is the Pirate King?) KATYA I know you - you're Henry Morgan You make your captives all gestorben I know your victims' parts and pieces: I wrote about you in my thesis. I know your whole life's history; Your future holds no mystery. I know your fate and final hour. What makes you think we're in *your* power? PIRATE KING Erudite though you may be You'll fetch a pretty shekel. You're on my ship and on my sea I'll teach you not to heckle! TIM Unhand my bride, you evil masher I'll not stand here to watch you trash her. Our peaceful idyll is kaput Upside your head, I'll put my foot! PIRATE KING You're captives on my pirate frigate I'll sell you in the East I'll throw you in my brig - it Won't hurt you in the least. EXIT KATYA & TIM, dragged by pirates and pursued by a bear. FOOL follows K & T to brig. FOOL To be saleable goods, you'll need some spiffing Right now you couldn't pass a sniffing. I'll improve conditions in this slammer By calling up a magician of glamour. ENTER PcDAN, PCDAN In come I, Pierrecar Dan To work such a glamour as only I can. Of every last man in the great clan of Dan (that's Issachar, Pierrecar, Bradley and Stan) I have the best spells, the best clothes, the best tan. No glamour-magician has ever been greater: Of fashion I am the unquestioned dictator. Who summons the arbiter of all things aesthetic? It must be that couple, who look so pathetic. But to cast spells in such an unglamorous klink, I'd better just bolster myself with a drink ... Withdraws hip flask and swigs. [PcDan evesdrops...] TIM To go through wood, you'd use a termite But this is steel , so we'll need thermite. KATYA In Klingon Renovation School, First tear out a wall, that's the rule. TIM Katya dear, we're on a ship If you remove this wall, we'll take a dip. PcDan Katya? Penner of that story Where my cousin Issachar died so gory? KATYA If you dare to harm my Tim I will rend you limb from limb! PcDan So unlike your characters, you have no magic powers... I'll curse you both with seasickness, you'll be heaving ho for hours. TIM: Dear, our hope of liberation is looking rather paltry To counter Pierrecar's magic spell, you'd better summor Gaultry! KATYA Come, Gaultry and Mervion Blas, To help us get out of this pass. You've got enough glamour To make these fools stammer And blush, and fall flat on their ... GAULTRY We come, for you know us and call us by name. MERVION We're sorry to see your unfortunate fame. It's true we have power and glamour, but still -- GAULTRY We just might need more, so we brought Cousin Bill. KATYA You Blas twins don't have any cousin named Bill! I think I should know, for I write what I will. But right now I think I'm so desperate that I'll take any help you pull out of your hat. BILL BLAS I am Bill Blas, a glamour-magician. We'll soon have you out of this sorry position. I'll counter the evil Pierrecar Dan's spell For I am his better, as he knows full well. PCDAN Curses! My hated arch-rival appears. As glamour-magicians we've battled for years. Bill Blas couldn't tell Eggshell Petal from Black. He thinks he knows glamour. I say he knows Jack. PIRATE KING: Hii-ho, hi-ho, what's all this clatter? I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. GAULTRY: Could this be the Pirate King? He seems to be a threat. I'll cast a soul-transferring spell And merge him with his pet. [Gaultry begins gesticulating;; Pirate King turns away to change] Some _of_ the pirate will remain, But parrot he'll be part. Perhaps he'll wind up a bird-brain, Perhaps a chicken heart... PCDAN: What have you done -- PIRATE KING [turning back wearing parrot mask]: What have you done -- PCDAN: --To the Pirate King?!? P.KING: --The Pirate King?!? PCDAN: My god - it is the Parrot King! P.KING: Parrot King! Parrot King! PCDAN: Your spells may look impressive, But they're only foolish yammer. I am your better at magic, For I have the power of Glamour! [Produces magazine] BILL: You think you are the finest, But I can prove you wrong. You have a bit of glamour But your hair is cut too long! [Brandishes copy of Cosmo] MERVION: Say... Do you two always wear the same socks? PCDAN and BILL: Oh, the embarrassment! [Both put back of hand to forehead and fall over dead] KATYA: Annoying as these fellows were My sequel needs more men. Could you resurrect them now as fodder for my pen? MERVION: I'll render them unglamorous by giving them thick glasses and these protectors for the pens they'll need for all their classes. [Swaps copies of "Glamour" for "Popular Electronics". Magicians revive.] KATYA: As the author, I have complete control over this world. Parrot king, you're restored. PARROT KING: Gee, thanks. I'm in touch with my nesting instincts now. I want to abandon the sea and settle down on shore. TIM: Let's stay on board the ship and become pirates. KATYA: Yes, let's. FOOL: If our revels have offended, Drink but this and all is mended. Katya, Tim we wish you both Happiness, joy, and a well-plighted troth.  OK -- here's some more-- anyone else?? --Lenore > MERVION: > Say... Do you two always wear the same socks? > > PCDAN and BILL: > Oh, the embarrassment! > [Both put back of hand to forehead and fall over dead] FOOL: Piercar Dan and Cousin Bill Are you there? (I think they're ill) Mervion you've saved us all Your social contempt spell has placed them in thrall! > KATYA: > Annoying as these fellows were > My sequel needs more men. > Could you resurrect them now > as fodder for my pen? MERVION + GAULTRY: Alas, it was a Glamour boo-boo That finally pricked 'em Alack, there's naught that we can do, To save a fashion victim. FOOL: (or parrot king?) [this could use some work] I think we need professional help.. DOCTOR: You called? In come I, a Doctor, Scrubbed-up as you can see. To be a useful sort of guy, Another PhD! (examines them- looks puzzled) (to Tim) Hey wait! I know you well from school You are the brilliant Tim. Can you determine what is wrong? That left things here so grim? TIM: I see what's wrong-- these boys are dead! And Katya needs some cheering. However, I don't think I can help, My degree's in Engineering! GAULTRY: (being the one to think on her feet) That's it! To make them live again, We just strip them of their Glamour; And how better to accomplish that, Than with a nerd's demeanour? > MERVION: > I'll render them unglamorous > by giving them thick glasses > and these protectors for the pens > they'll need for all their classes. [Continues the same from here.] > [Swaps copies of "Glamour" for "Popular Electronics". Magicians > revive.] > To be written: Dan and Piercar make some speech about their newfound interests and take Gaultry and Mervion off with them. PARROT KING: You two can go, I'm leaving now! It's too strong too ignore This craving now to leave the sea And settle on the shore Seeing things through Parrot eyes Has changed my whole world view In touch with nesting instincts now-- I'm off to Timbuktu. Toodeloo! TIM: At last their gone and we're alone The sail I'll get unfurled We'll climb aboard the pirate ship And sail around the world. KATYA: (last couplet) > FOOL: > If our revels have offended, > Drink but this and all is mended. > Katya, Tim we wish you both > Happiness, joy, and a well-plighted troth.  1,, Well, we seem to have crossed in the email Jeff! I liked A LOT of what you did. Here's an integrated version of both our stuff. Feel free to modify further at will (I'm back to work :-) --Lenore ------------------------ MERVION: Say... Do you two always wear the same socks? PCDAN and BILL [looking at each other's socks]: Oh, the embarrassment! [Both put back of hand to forehead and fall over dead] FOOL: Piercar Dan and Cousin Bill Are you there? (I think they're ill) Mervion you've saved us all Your social contempt spell has placed them in thrall! KATYA: Annoying as these fellows were My sequel needs more men. Could you resurrect them now as fodder for my pen? MERVION & GAULTRY: Alas, it was a Glamour boo-boo That finally pricked 'em Alack, there's naught that we can do, To save a fashion victim. FOOL: We need professional help. Is there a doctor on the ship? DOCTOR: In come I, a Doctor, Scrubbed-up as you can see. To be a useful sort of guy, Another PhD! (examines them- looks puzzled) (to Tim) Hey wait! I know you well from school You are the brilliant Tim. Can you determine what is wrong? That left things here so grim? TIM: I see what's wrong -- these boys are dead! And Katya needs some cheering. But this is not a job for me: My field is Engineering! GAULTRY: That's it! To make them live again, We'll strip them of their Glamour: How better to accomplish that, Than with a nerd's demeanour? MERVION: Yes, this is something I can do As Witch of Social Graces. A most apalling makeover Will put them in their places. I'll render them unglamorous by giving them thick glasses and these protectors for the pens they'll need for all their classes. [Swaps copies of "Glamour" for "Popular Electronics". PCDAN and BILL revive. One starts puzzling over a calculator, one over a sliderule.] KATYA: Gaultry, be a good character and restore the Pirate King. GAULTRY: Are you sure that's wise? KATYA: You forget -- I'm an omniscient narrator. GAULTRY: Oh -- right. [Gaultry gestures.] PARROT KING: You two can go, I'm leaving now! It's too strong too ignore This craving now to leave the sea And settle on the shore Seeing things through Parrot eyes Has changed my whole world view In touch with nesting instincts now-- I'm off to Timbuktu. Toodeloo! [to the PIRATES] What do you say, men? PIRATES: Yes, Sir! TIM: At last their gone and we're alone The sail I'll get unfurled We'll climb aboard the pirate ship And sail around the world. KATYA: Yes, let's. > FOOL: > If our revels have offended, > Drink but this and all is mended. > Katya, Tim we wish you both > Happiness, joy, and a well-plighted troth.